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MY LIFE BY SHARON NETZER - 1993
THE FRUIT OF THE FIRE |
Sharon Netzer |
This
story was written in a spiritual aspect of the original story of my experience in
Des Moines, Iowa. The times and experiences are put in a supernatural fashion.
After so many years and learning to live with all the pain and hurt that I went
through while in that cult, it has changed my life to the better.
It wasn't easy to write. It was hell and much
pain and sorrow. A part of me died and a part of me came alive each time I
wrote. There was much pleasure derived from each line. Then sadness crept in
when completion came. Each time I felt a relief, and emptiness. Yet, every
occasion brought more and more from within me. Consecutively they came, with
each joy, each experience, and each sorrow.
Through a need or desire, maybe both, yes,
definitely both, I became aware of a life within me, an infinite life which is
and will never die. It became the greatest truth I have ever known. It was the
greatest experience I had ever come through. It is a powerful and great source
and I could never comprehend its fullness all at once. It is over a period of
much learning and growth we can attain to the perfection of it. It is
something, which was and is a part of me. A part of every man which I did not
know even existed. I thought I knew, Since childhood I had been taught about
God. He must have truly heard my heart's cry for love and truth, and a chance
in this life for me to know who I am. It is one great miracle to know the
greatest mystery on earth. "Who we are" but it is the hardest and
saddest, and most terrifying quest to attempt to conquer. I know I was in a
fantasy world. Endeavoring to conquer each petty problem, which really did not
exist at all. It all seems so trivial now, insignificant. It seems the past few
years have been packed with life, love, and emotion.
It has certainly been a challenge to
investigate. A challenge, which seemed so precarious at times, but it has
always proven to be the strongest source, and the most secure source I have
ever known. I believe in this life with all I have within me. It is my life, it
is a way of life to surrender to it. To trust in it and let it live in me, to
let it shine, is a joy.
It does not always work the way we plan. It
is mysterious, but it is sure. It is sure of the way to lead us into. For it
has experienced all the pain and all the joys we will ever experience. That is
why we can surely have faith in the word of God. For he has the authority to
teach us, because he has been through it all. Truth is experience. The things
we have come through are truths to us. Then and only then can we pass it on to
others, the advice or consolation they may need. The thrill of it all is to
know there is a part of us, which is already complete, already perfected, free
from man's power or concepts. To truly know that, is the greatest security a
human being can have. Yet, it was not easy on my part, for it took much
suffering and inward breaking to fully realize I could not make it without
something greater than my own fleshly strength. I was weak and sick and
confused. I had no one to turn to at this most crucial time in my earthly
existence. I knew there were people all around me, but they could not begin to
understand. No one could reach me. It must come from a spiritual source, which
knew my heart and understood my emotions. The love and hate which I felt at the
same time. The pulling and tearing of the innermost part of me, my soul. At the
lowest ebb I have ever known, I was asking God to help me, to really help me.
The most earnest prayer I ever prayed. He came forth in a matter of seconds and
I felt a surge of life and confidence I never felt before. I was stunned at first.
I couldn't believe it was there. But, I know there was a change within me and I
have never been the same since that hour. It is the power I needed in the
months to come. If it had not been for those few seconds with that precious
spirit, I could not have endured what lay ahead of me.
Things began to happen, everywhere I went,
everyone I saw seemed to tear at me. Everything was different. It was like
stepping into a new world. I was in a new realm, a spiritual realm. It was
terrifying, yet glorious. It was supernatural. The Holy Spirit had resurrected
within me. I began to feel so many changes, my attitude, my concepts, my whole
way of thinking. I began to walk in a new light, a reality of being. I began to
write poetry. Poem after poem came forth. I was never so lonely in all my life.
Then songs began coming from my heart. The truth I had been blessed with was,
wanting to give, wanting to share. It had been suppressed for so many years. I
must live and love, and share. Seemed it wasn't time though. All these things
must lie for some time, they must wait for a season. When can I give them?
Where is the source to receive them? I became lonelier, emptier. All the
drawing seemed futile at times. The spirit said, "Be patient, my child, I
will reward you openly."
I felt rejection from the ones I loved
deeply. It was so hard to accept. Could I ever accept it? Yes, I could, and I
did. For we all have our wilderness to conquer. If I could conquer mine through
the spirit, they could too, by the very same source. It is the same in all
creation. For we are all children of God. We cannot say to the unseemly soul,
"I have no need of thee." Each day we must lend a helping hand to our
brothers and sisters. The Infinite life of God dwells in all men. No matter how
abject their situation or how splendid their environment, they have a purpose
on the earth. There is a time and place for each of us to become aware of the
life force within us. We're not ready until that time.
Where do I begin? I don't really believe
there is a beginning. As anyone, I can remember a lot about my childhood. I was
somewhat reclusive. Maybe more than normal. I was unable to express my true
self. Therefore, I was shy and self-conscious, unable to accept myself. I was
always eager to please. My true emotions always pent up. But, the day I became
aware of my inward ability and strength, my whole life changed. A day I'll
never forget. The day I was born again.
I am a different person now. Seems I don't
really remember the person I was a few years ago. (When I was in Des Moines,
Iowa) Everything inside has changed so much. I don't understand; don't even
pretend to. All I know is how I feel now. My children mean something different
to me. Before, I looked upon them as my babies, my children, my security, and I
devoted much time and energy on them. Now I see them as human beings with a
soul and an ability and strength within themselves. They must not depend upon
my devotion entirely because it doesn't exist in the intensity as it once did.
I love them more than I ever have, but they must learn to depend upon the
source within themselves.
Yesterday is gone, no more to be again. I
must move on, and I must excel in what I feel. I know the potential lies great
within me. Yet, I am not certain which way to go at times. I can only live one
day at a time, searching and deriving from anything and anyone I encounter. The
more challenges I attempt to conquer, the more incentive I have to live to the
fullest. Petty obstacles cannot get me down. Oh, I fight fear and depression.
Many times I have to crawl out of my dark place and reach for the light. And
the light soon brings joy to my heart. It never fails. It will never fail.
Nothing can put out its glorious brightness.
It was a supernatural experience, which I
couldn't comprehend for quite some time. It was like a new life was taking over
my physical body. I talked about it incessantly. Only convincing myself as I
spoke of it. It constantly possessed my mind. Gradually it became a way of life
for me. I became aware of the life within me, and I began to walk in the Spirit
of Christ. I cannot totally express the experience to anyone. This way of life
I live in today was not easily obtained. But it is blessed peace and serenity,
which I cherish above anything this world, could offer. It was enough that I
knew; and no one else had to be convinced anymore. This truth is a priceless
treasure to me.
Rejection is a hell or wilderness I had to
come into to obtain the consciousness of the reality of an infinite life within
me. No one else may ever understand its impact on my emotions, yet, I felt the
pain, endured the agony, and suffered the scars. But, I also felt the serenity,
the peace, and the faithfulness of Christ. I thought of how Jesus was rejected,
of how he suffered to do the right thing. I wish I could vision his place in
God. For it is truly behind the veil I want to be, in the realm where the light
never goes out.
Seems strange I should be so hungry for
something I didn't know existed. Yet, there was a hunger within my soul, which
could only come from God. I cannot question the way he worked in my life to
help me see the things, which lay within me. Things I was not aware of,
strengths, weaknesses, powers, temptations, and most of all my true emotions.
They were there all the time, but it had not been time for God to deal with me
until this moment. It took a great stirring of my soul for me to be conscious
of my inner being. I had been suppressed for so long. The tears and hurt had
built up a very high barrier.
God sent me to a place where this process
could begin in my life, a place where I could finally become aware of my true
feelings. A place where I finally could see what was inside of me, finally,
acceptance. We must accept ourselves before we can ever know God, for God dwells
within and is a part of us. So, not accepting oneself is not accepting the
Father. This place was a literal place on this earth, but in writing this story
I will affirm it as a realm within my emotions. For we are the Kingdom of God.
We are the house where the Infinite life dwells.
The literal seems so superficial now,
because it has merged with my emotional realm, and my experience has become me,
totally different, totally aware of life, no more living in an unperceiving
realm of falsity. Sometimes I cry within of the rawness of truth. It is so
scarce in human acceptance. It betrays the humility of seekers.
What makes us seek for truth? A desire for
more than what we have is an inscrutable pleasure. Nothing can take away a
yearning within and the authority to obtain more and more truth. It is, and
always will be available, an abstract treasure of power within.
This latent power to see through a veil of
darkness came forth and set me free from a never changing being. Change has
been my lot since this hour of supernatural deliverance. I'm no more afraid of
a changing, or moving plane. No more afraid of tomorrow, for today is so
beautiful. Making every second count today depletes me of tomorrow's fate.
Today is full of greatest potential for a betterment of oneself; for the
betterment of our fellowman.
If we cannot do a great work today, why do
we think we can master it tomorrow. For today is full, today is the day of
salvation. Today is all there is. Yesterday is a shadow. Tomorrow is a dream.
Only now is reality. Now is eternity. Now is all there is.
This way of life, to truly believe in an
Infinite power, a living God, has brought me peace I never had before. It has
developed a serene state of being, of moving, of living. How I ever existed
before, I'll never know. The auspicious will of God that will take place in our
lives by truly seeking and desiring the truth, no matter what the cost.
This place was full of enchantment and
tangible fulfillment. It was a wonderland full of excitement. I reached, and I
was fed from its bountiful table. I absorbed of the richness thereof. Like a
child, I played in the midst of it all. Not knowing there was darkness lurking
all around me, Not cognizant of anything beyond this place of my dreams. I had
needed a rock to stand upon, and I thought I had found it. But, it began to
grow dark and all the beauty was fading away. I began to cry out, "Why
must it be taken away from me?" I want it, yet I cannot stay. I had to go.
Go to another place, another realm, another time, another me. So I went away. I
was unaware of what I would face, unaware of anything except the pain inside of
me, the tearing down of false hopes and dreams. Not really wanting to face
reality, I trudged along day by day. Reaching deeper and deeper within, growing
closer to the Father by every thought and deed. He was leading me to a greater
light, a richer life in him.
It wasn't easy depending upon only what I
felt, but it kept growing and kept leading me. I never knew what another day
would bring my way or how my days would be. But the reward was much greater
than the waiting, much greater than the patience wrought in my life.
Looking back I can truly see. I can see the
way he penetrated my innermost self. I know now he had to tear down walls,
perpetual falsities of hope. The truth is exceedingly stronger than false hopes
and dreams, once we concede to accept it. Nothing can change truth. The truth
came when I asked for it, but how it came was terrifying. What it took for me
to accept it. But I changed not it. Yes, I can see now what a privilege I have
in seeing just a glimpse of the Infinite life, which is, and will always be.
Truth is a surprise to oneself. We do not know ourselves as a whole. It comes
little by little. We are constantly surprising to ourselves. Growing is
changing. To change is living and dying simultaneously. Like a flower, it is
living and dying at the same time, the cycle of life which every living thing
must experience. To experience death is as essential to change as experiencing
life. This is real truth. I have experienced this. It is not easy to let go of
things, which were a part of me for so long. Something new always takes its
place. God has created a prolific creation. Always living, always dying, always
changing. I am a part of this cycle of living and dying, just as you are.
There is a purpose for our existence. A
particular place for each of us. Something within me dominates my mind and lets
me see higher places, stately places of fulfillment. Like the butterfly, first,
it isn't very beautiful, but when it springs forth into its ultimate source,
that is fulfillment. This process is a painful one, but it is a virtuous one.
Without a process, there is no gold. The fire is hot but it makes us pure.
After the fire comes the beauty of it all. It seems I was stripped of every
concept and belief that was implanted in my mind. I came out with nothing but a
chance to obtain everything. I REACHED FOR A STAR—I MISSED, SO I WILL ACCEPT
THE SKY. It is mine, the richness of eternal power and wealth. I know the
potential was struggling to come forth, but a falling (burning) away had to
come first. I'm glad of the fire, glad I went through it. For it was my choice.
Yet, it just happened. It was a flow of the Infinite spirit, which nothing can
quench. I was ready to go. If we desire the
truth, nothing can deceive us, if we don't, nothing can keep us from being
deceived.
Now, I am living with this vast potential
within me. I walk in the way of striving for eternal truth. I will not be
content with less. I know I have all the power and truth within me and it will
come forth when I let it. It isn't easy, but it is true. I have to stop and say
incessantly, "I am, and I can, and will master whatever I'm doing."
The road of life is increasingly long. The
ultimate destination seems so obscure at times. It seems there is no end to the
learning. The overwhelming portions of knowledge within our grasp if we could
or would let it seep though the veil of flesh. For it is there for us to claim
and use and be fulfilled by. This is truth, for I have felt it surge within me.
I cannot explain why the flesh is such an obstacle, but it is there to protect
us. I suppose from the potency of truth. Truth will set us free. Nothing is
greater than the reality of knowing an essential essence of life, of eternal
truth.
The inscrutability of life becomes clearer,
yet more complex as each experience envelops me. I am seeing deeper and deeper
within, and I can sense more of me than any spectator may see. I know I have
many personalities. I am much aware of three predominate ones.
Maybe it is an escape of things, which I
cannot understand or accept. But, I can go to these realms whenever I want to.
It is the safest way I've found, and it leads me to see the child person I am.
My desires and needs seem insignificant to others. Thus, making me seem more
like a child. Yet, these needs are very real to me. Each part of me expects to
be loved and accepted. One person may not be capable of loving all three. But
it will be as it should be. Knowing this is the reliever of any guilt, which
would ordinarily tear me apart. I have conceded to be glad that I have this
knowledge about myself, to let each part function to the betterment of my soul.
For the soul cannot be marred by the actions of the personalities surrounding
it. Experiences of these realms, of these persons within me can be of help to
the perfection of the most important part of me...my soul...my true self which
suffocates at times by the battles which go on around it. Yet, it is much alive
and aware of the indecisiveness of precarious situations. It is the center,
which holds us together in times of war and sacrifice. It is peace and
serenity. It is the lock to the concentric entity. Until all is made one, I
will fight these wars within this piece of energy. To be one can be a
terrifying quest. A tearing or pulling away of concepts which have been a part
of our being for centuries.
Yet, I have sensed these unique persons
which have come forth from my innermost being. I have talked things out among
"my selves". I have seen these three different sides of me. Yet, I
feel we all have merged in some way. The soul person keeps drawing us together.
To be one is imminent. A hopeful solution to end the tearing and pulling.
What goes on inside one's self is all that
is real, all else is a delusion, a deceitful mirage. What we really feel is
true. I find joy in knowing the Father, the true life within. He is merciful
and understanding. He knows all there is to know about us. Complete knowledge
of what lies within our sub-conscious mind would surely be more than one could
bear. Therefore, we strive towards it gradually. The Father with his
omniscience is ever with us.
There is no other way for me, but to keep
going forward. I shall not be tempted to live retrospectively. It is what I'm
feeling and experiencing now that is real. Yesterday is gone, now is when I'm
living and growing. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Now is the most
beautiful part of me. I love this very second. I feel the spirit surging inside
of me because of the acknowledgment I give it. Yet, why is this force sleeping
at times? Why don't I understand the dormancy of this life I have within me? Is
it a certain phase or age which enhances its growth? I do know I'll never
forget the moment it forced its way through my emotional realm and set me free.
Set me free from the bondage of knowing my flesh is weak. At that moment
another entity was born (born again). My flesh houses this entity. It is my
true self. I'm aware that it stays concealed at times. Concealed from the
world, but I know it is there...It is all the power and strength I need in any
kind of stress. Through any kind of heartache, or any situation.
I long to see this life being set free in my
fellowman. I ache at times to see Christ being manifested in the sweet Spirit
of God. I long to love my brother as myself.
