PAMELA'S STORY (May - 2007)
My
name is Pamela Gaylene Givens (Hall.) I am 38 years old and have five beautiful
children, Sarah-20, John-18, Stephan-17, Candis-15 and Troy-14. I have been blessed. My love for life comes from a lot of hard
knocks, mistakes, hurt, anger and pain and learning from it all.
I
wouldn't have the wisdom that I now have if it was not for God directing my
path and allowing me to go through all that I have. Maybe because of this, I
can help others with some of the hurt, pain, anger and confusion they are going
through.
One
of the valuable lessons that I learned in my life full of chaos was
forgiveness. Forgiveness is a very powerful word and easier said than done but
if you will bear with me, I will try to explain. As far back as I can remember, I have had a genuine love for God. My heart has hurt so
deeply but through it all, God has been right there with me.
I remember when I was a little girl, two years old, going
to church. I loved it! I had an innocence and passion for something I felt so
deeply. I wasn't sure what it was, no two-year-old would know, but going to
church made me feel good. At a young age, my innocence was stolen and that
feeling that I had in my heart was hurt. I no longer felt safe. (I will explain
later in my story.) (At right is 
Pam at around age two,
praising the Lord.)
I
remember when I was five years of age. I had an ultimate passion and desire to
be blessed with the baptism of the Holy Ghost. I prayed day and night that God
would give me this gift. At age six, January 19, 1976, I went up to the front
of
After
I received this gift and as time went on and the older I became, something was
happening inside of my heart. As a child, you not only grow physically; you
grow mentally and emotionally and let's not forget: Spiritually. Somehow my
spirit forgot to grow. Somehow it just shut down. My story is not much
different than a lot of others. There was a lot of pain involved but through
the mercy of God, healing is possible.
April 4, 1975, my mother and father moved my two brothers
and myself to
In
September, I started first grade and I was so happy. My first grade class had
three people in it, Kevin Townes, Kenny Bough and myself. It seemed like I was
always in trouble. We had a discipline system that went like this: 3 demerits =
a detention - 3 detentions = a corporal punishment, meaning a spanking. This
was done with a board, which from my own recollections, was about a half-inch
thick, a foot or more long and six inches wide with holes drilled an inch apart
from the top of the handle of the paddle. Anyway, three corporal punishments =
suspension which was being kicked out of school for three days. Three
suspensions = expulsion from school. Needless to say, if it had not been so
close to the end of the year, I would have been expelled.
Getting
a corporal punishment was not a normal school spanking. Back then, it was okay
for schools to discipline. Public schools were allowed three swats. Gospel
Assembly on the other hand, believed that children were to be seen and not
heard so we were spanked until our spirits were broken. They were to spank
until the child cried softly. Earlier, I spoke about Spiritual growth. Well, my
spirit was broken. In my opinion, a child that gets in trouble for speaking
unless spoken to doesn't have the capability of growing in wisdom and
knowledge. They learn fear and confusion and are unable to make decisions.
I remember I always liked to talk. I would just rattle away
about everything and nothing. That sent me straight to Lee and Alice Ray's
office. Neither of which showed any compassion or love. It was more like a
control thing. I would have to bend all the way over and grasp the back of the
chair at the bottom while they proceeded to spank me. After a while, I quit
crying out loud, but tears would stream down my cheeks. Afterward, they would
pray with me and make me ask God for forgiveness for being bad. All that I did
was talk without permission. I became totally submissive!
In
second grade, Kevin Townes was moved to a higher grade so that placed him in
another area of the learning center, which left me clear to the back, by
myself. We used flags to call for help, a Christian flag for a monitor and an
American flag for a supervisor. I remember I had to go to the bathroom one day.
I watched the clock for two hours with my flag up. I was afraid to get out of
my seat and too afraid to talk. Finally I couldn't hold it anymore and went all
over myself.
I
still had a love for God but I also had a great fear. We were taught that God
was vengeful and vengeance is mine, I will repay. What had I done to make God
so angry? Why did I have to be here? I wished I had never been born but I kept
it to myself. I tried harder to be good so I could make it to the kingdom but
it seemed like bad things would always happen to me. Before my family moved to
Des Moines,
So
desperate for love, I started going to any man. When I was around four years
old, one of my cousins molested me. He was twelve or thirteen years old. He
told me he loved me and from that night I started thinking I was bad because he
told me to be quiet and not tell anyone because it was our secret and we could
get in trouble. I didn't see him again until I was around twelve years old and
the memory had faded but I had a horrible secret. I was bad but he told me he
loved me so maybe it was okay. It made me feel dirty so as I got older, my mind
covered up what had happened. Subconsciously though, for many years, sex to me
would be love.
By the time I started third grade, I was getting better
about spankings. I memorized chapters of the Bible. I spoke in other tongues,
testified in chapel and played a clarinet in the school band. I embroidered,
sewed and things got better. Actually, I just got used to them. I remember one
time when Lloyd and June Goodwin went overseas and before they left, they
promised me a candy bar if I kept my office clean while they were gone. My office
wasn't dirty, just cluttered. I did it and they gave me a candy bar. I worked
hard for it, believe me. I was proud of myself.
I
really don't remember too many times with just my family. We were always at
church or school. Our lives were not based on family structure but were based
on church structure. We were not allowed to fellowship anyone outside of the
church or school. We were told that we were supposed to witness to people but
how do you snob your nose at "sinners" and witness at the same time?
Since our lives were based on church, a family bond was not present. (Glenn, Pamela and
Jeremie around 1977 I believe)
Remember
that children are to be seen and not heard and after being disciplined at
school to the point of being afraid of speaking, I then suffered another
painful ordeal. A teenage boy who was sixteen or seventeen started messing with
me when I was between seven and eight years old. I was afraid to raise my flag
at school and ask to go to the restroom because he would hear me and would be
waiting for me upstairs where the women's restroom was. He molested me many
times. We went on a family picnic with his parents to the lake and to their
house afterwards. He molested me again. For some reason he stopped going to our
school and not long after, church. I don't remember if he graduated or just
left. I never told anyone because I was so ashamed. I was so disgusted and I
felt so bad. It was an awful secret that I would keep for many years to come.
Oh yes, he told me he loved me. I didn't realize that both people who abused me
sexually would play such a big role in my life.
So
these are the things I had learned so far in my life: Fear of speaking, fear of
saying NO, sex equals love, my spirit was broken, my innocence violated, no
family structure, fear of God, fear of Lloyd Goodwin and Lee and Alice Ray.
Lloyd Goodwin's sermons seemed to talk about the wrath of God, how we would go
straight to hell. I thought for the longest time, that Goodwin was God.
I
remember one day; Lee Ray was doing opening exercises. He was upset that
morning about something and was talking about sin and I got really sick at my
stomach. I gagged and vomit came up in my mouth. I was holding it in my mouth
because I knew if I interrupted him, I would surely be in trouble. One of my
best friends in the world, Tammy Kelsey, was standing there and I poked her and
pointed to my mouth. Her mother, Betty Kelsey, was a monitor and Tammy got her
attention and she helped me out of the learning center. I loved that Lady. Soon
after, she got cancer and Tammy and I became separated and soon hardly spoke
after years of practically living at each other's houses. Later after we grew
up, she told me she wasn't allowed to be around me because she needed to be
with people who understood what she was going through. She also told me that
some of the other girls asked her why she would want to be around me and she
told them because she liked me. Tammy and I have a strong relationship now and
always will. (Tammy
is now married to my brother, Glenn since 2001)
One day we were on break at school and the high school
girls were primping and I had to go to the bathroom. They wouldn't let me go so
I said: "Shoot!" They all went and told Lynn Revak, the supervisor,
that I said "s--t!" I had never even heard that word or knew what it
meant, much less said it. When I told her that I had not said that, she called
me a liar and said I would get a spanking for lying and she just kept
threatening me so I finally just said, "okay, I said it." Then she
said, "Now you are getting a corporal punishment for lying and saying
it." I said "but I didn't say it, you made me say I did." You
know, I got so many corporals that I don't remember if I got one that time or
not but I know when I got home, I got very ill and I was so shaken up, I bit a
thermometer so hard that it broke in my mouth. My Mom called Lynn Revak and
told her that I had never heard that word and that I didn't lie. (At right is Pam at age
12)
When
we left the church, I was eleven and a half years old. I went totally wild. I
didn't know how to take freedom. I cut my hair, pierced my ears, put on jeans
and rode a bike, as if these were all such awful sins. But then I started
smoking cigarettes, pot and popping pills. I became an even more mixed up kid.
My Mom worked two jobs to take care of us so she was not able to be there all
the time. She didn't learn about some of the things we did until many years
later. She has repented to me many times and would have done something to help
me if she would have known. When I was fifteen, another high school boy raped
me. I moved in with my boyfriend's cousin when I was sixteen and I became
pregnant at sixteen by my boyfriend. I married him so that my child would have
a father and a name. He had a real problem with alcohol and beat and raped me
on many occasions. I tried to leave him on several occasions and he would come
back and make up so during this time, we had three more children and I had
several miscarriages. Finally after four children and all the abuse, I left him
for good and got a divorce. You may ask," Why did you stay that
long?" Because I was taught that it was a sin to divorce. I then met
another man, my youngest son's father. I was with him for three years. I left
because I was tired of being "thrown away." My first husband told me
that I was fat and ugly and that no man would ever want me with four children.
I
have been in a lot of relationships looking for this love. After we left the
church, I even went as far as witchcraft because the God I had known was basically
an evil being in my eyes. I cursed him and figured since he was so terrible;
all I had learned about Satan was a lie. So I started worshipping him. There
are three stages to this, dabbling, Incubus and suicide. I endured all three. I
tried to kill myself three times.
After I left my youngest son's father, my drug abuse got
worse. I became what most would call, a junkie. I gave my kids up. All I cared
about was my dope. As I would shoot it into my veins, I would pray to God that
it would kill me but something started happening to me. My mind started opening
up and I started seeing things in a way I had never imagined even as a junkie.
I got closer and closer to God. I was dependent on drugs but God was still
there for me. I started praying that I wouldn't die every time I shot up. I was
still growing closer to my Higher Power (God). On August the 19th,
1995, I called my Mother and she came over to the East Side of Des Moines and
picked me up. I told her I was a junkie but somehow, she already knew.
(The above picture is Pam with all five of her children in
1996, at this point she was still an addict.)
So
many times I wanted to kill my mother because I blamed her for my life. My
younger brother Jeremie had to take a 20-gauge shotgun out of my hands because
I told him I was going to kill her. But that day, I felt a need for my Mother.
I had already turned to my Heavenly Father. He pointed me to my earthly Mother.
She begged me to go to the hospital but I wasn't ready. I had accepted my
addiction but I wasn't ready for help. I still had a long way to go. I wanted
her to accept the fact that I was an addict. She couldn't and wouldn't. I had
never really been close to my Mom because like I said, I blamed her for my
life. We would get into arguments and I was physically violent with her. She
never knew about my being molested until I was 25 years old.
My
anger and rage overwhelmed me at times so bad that I blacked out. I just wanted
to kill everyone and the two boys that molested me. I planned daily to kill them,
how I was going to torture them so they would pray to die. One day I called my
Mother and she told me that the boy from Gospel Assembly who had molested me
was in a bad accident and his skull had been crushed in some kind of a bar
fight or something. Something inside of me clicked and I no longer wanted him
to die or the others. I wanted to look them in the face and give them back all
the pain they gave to me. So a year later, I confronted my cousin. I looked him
in the eyes and reminded him of how he had hurt me. Then I told him, while he
made excuses, "Forget about your excuses. I have to get rid of this. I
love you and forgive you now I can go on." I had dealt with it for so long
and it was not my fault. I started looking past all the things that people had
done to me and thinking about how their lives were. It wasn't that I had
condoned their actions; it was because someone had done something to them
sometime in their life. I know we all know the difference between right and
wrong. We are born with that but even though they knew it was wrong, someone
gave them permission to do it. It goes back to the beginning of time. I haven't
seen the other boy who hurt me yet but one day I will and I will look into his
eyes and say this. "Your body and mind may not understand but your spirit
is still there and I want you to know what you did to me as a child hurt me.
But as my Heavenly Father forgives even the worst of sinners, I forgive you.
Now I can get on with my life. May God bless you and heal you so you can be
free.
It took a few more years for me to become free from drugs.
One thing that happened is that my Mom finally accepted my addiction. One day
she told me, "Pam, an addict is what you are but it is not who you are.
You can change what you are, you cannot change who you are." That day I
had planned to go to rehab. Rehab didn't help because people were so busy
worried about other's addictions; they couldn't focus on their own. I called my
Mom to come and get me. I stayed clean for a few months, and then it was right
back out there. This happened several times. I knew I wanted off drugs but I
just couldn't stay off. I was arrested two times and went to jail. I started
telling my Mother every time I did it. She doesn't get those phone calls
anymore. I am sober. Sometimes I want them so bad but I have learned a lot out
there in the real world. I was "protected," deceived actually,
because we all need to know how to protect ourselves from getting hurt on
caught up in lies. (Pamela, clean and sober - 2007)
I learned some good things from Gospel
Assembly but my spirit was stolen, my mind was controlled and my heart trusted
too much. I was blind but now I see. I was in bondage but now I'm free. I still
have issues to work out but all in all I am getting closer and my life is
getting better and better.
So
for all the bad that has happened in my life, I accept the responsibility for
all I have done and for all that I could have controlled and I thank all those
who hurt me. I am stronger because of it all. I just pray that all the rest of
you who have been hurt by Gospel Assembly or anything else can get through the
pain and forgive but don't ever forget! For God has a plan for all of us. The
hurt will die down. Face it while it's still there; don't let it pile up so
that you forget why you are angry and pray that your
Higher Power (God) will help you through even though you can't see it now. He
is already helping you. You are getting out from under bondage.
I owe a lot to my Mother and stepfather, Robert, and also
my Father, Glenn. God has brought us a long way in our lives and I am closer to
them than I ever thought possible. This is all in God's plan. He is restoring
the years to us.
To
all the people who are still involved with Gospel Assembly, I have a good life.
I love life and God is so good through all the hurt and pain, through all my
mistakes, I have been forgiven because Jesus gave His life so that all could be
saved. We are all born God's children. We are all equal in His eyes no matter
our race, religion or what we wear. Whether we are rich or poor, sick or
healthy, God loves us all. I am not afraid of God. I respect Him. He is caring
and He won't smite me dead because I mess up. I know that for a fact. God is
waiting for judgment day but maybe every day is judgment day for we bring
judgment on ourselves. You see we are all sinners and we make choices and we
have repercussions from our choices.
Judge
not lest you be judged. How does a sinner judge a sinner? You who are without
sin cast the first stone. For the judgment of another man has no hold on us.
It's God's judgment on sinners that will matter most and the judges who act, as
Gods and cast judgment on our souls will be the ones who face the wrath of God.
Thanks
for listening to my story.
God
bless,
Pamela
Hall
These are my children whom I thank God for. My youngest son lives
with his father in
|
Sarah, Candis, Stephan
& John |
Troy
Cryer |
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"IS
THERE NOT A CAUSE?" (By a former member of
GAC in