THE REST OF MY STORY

By – Leonard Wilkins

“For is you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Matthew 6:14-16

 

Forgiving those who have transgressed against us is the key to a healthy spirit, mind, and body.

 

We departed Des Moines severely wounded, and despondent. The ingrained fear of judgment was so prevalent in our psyche it consumed our every thought. We left believing we were damned. That God no longer loved us. That we had departed from ‘the truth, the man of God, and the Body of Christ’ without which there was no means of salvation, or redemption.

 

When we arrived in central California I was still suffering from the physical maladies I had endured so long in Des Moines. Our mental and emotional condition was a disaster. In an attempt to find some solace and peace of mind we started attending an old friends non-denominational church. It soon became evident that this effort was futile. Although our friend’s church was full of sweet and loving people, the GAC hold on our minds and spirits was overwhelmingly strong. We were extremely critical, cynical and suspicious of all gestures of love and concern. At this particular point in time it was absolutely impossible to allow anyone close enough to help us. 

 

Possibly, only those who have experienced a similar situation will comprehend, or understand how we felt, or why we did the following. A few months after arriving in central California the mental and emotional turmoil and fear of eternal damnation was so great we actually asked Lloyd for permission to come back. We wrote him once and called twice. We asked him to forgive us for being rebels, discontents, and causing him problems. In our last phone conversation, he said we could come back provided I could submit to him without question. I also had to swear an oath of allegiance to both him and his ministry. He told me to think about it, and if I were willing to do this he would permit us to return. We realized pleasing him was not possible. And, we knew the only errors we were guilty of were confronting him on issues of righteousness, justice and equity. However, at this time we were so overwhelmed with our feelings of isolation, disassociation, detachment, loss and fear of eternal damnation that we actually considered it. I believe the Holy Spirit then pricked my heart to ask myself a question. The question was. Why would Lloyd ask me to foreswear myself and put myself in a position to fall into judgment when Jesus had commanded not to do so? Jesus said:

 

 “I say to you, do not swear at all: neither by heaven, for it is God's throne; nor by the earth, for it is His footstool; nor by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. Nor shall you swear by your head, because you cannot make one hair white or black. But let your “Yes be Yes,” and your “No, No,” for whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” Matthew 5:33-35

 

Then James said:

 

 “But above all, my brethren, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your "Yes be Yes," and your "No, No," lest you fall into judgment.” James 5:11-13 

 

We were at a crossroad. Could we, in order to relieve our tormented minds disregard everything we knew was wrong? If Lloyd were correct, and we were deceived, in error, and damned for leaving Des Moines we still could not, in good conscience, do this. We would simply have to take our chances at the judgment seat of Christ.

 

How could one know they had done right by taking a stand against tyranny and injustice then still feel the need to go back? This defies reason. All I can say is, we felt like we were in limbo. All the people we loved no longer loved us, because we were not conforming to what they said we needed to do to be saved.

 

For almost 20 years we had belonged and been part of some segment of the William Sowders’ movement. Since 1969 in Dixon’s Pilgrims Temple at Oakland, California, then from 1971 in Don Patton’s GAC at Ft. Worth, then from 1977 at Lloyd Goodwin’s GAC in Des Moines, Iowa we had been taught, believed and cherished the doctrines that now tormented us in spirit, and mind.

 

Doctrines that taught us:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When one has had these doctrines drilled into their mind and spirit over a period of 10, 15 or 20 plus years it is not possible to just discard this belief system overnight. Actually, I’m of the opinion that it is nigh too impossible to ever be completely free of them without divine intervention and help. Whatever the catalyst is (good or bad) that brings one to leave, the fear and dread of judgment for turning ones back on this ‘elect body’ of believers and ministers is overwhelming. These doctrines are etched so deeply in the mind of the adherents that it produces mental, emotional and physical maladies upon on those who muster the will to confront them and say, No More…

 

As I said, I had been taught these doctrines since 1969. They were an integral part of my psychological make-up and belief system. The fear of rejecting them was overwhelming and dreadful. Then I had a dream. Normally, I don’t put much stock in dreams. Yet, there are times when God will use dreams to communicate with our subconscious mind, because of the garbage we have cluttering our conscience minds. Here is the dream. I dreamed that I was bowing in worship and adoration at the feet of Jesus but when I looked up I didn’t see anyone except Lloyd Goodwin. I was confused and afraid. I then heard a soft loving voice admonish me saying: “You have bowed yourself down to worship and serve the creature rather than your Creator. Awake from your stupor and hear me only.”  When I awoke, I recognized those words from the scriptures. Once I read it, I knew the Lord Jesus was telling me I had become an idolater. By running the references on idolatry I also understood why covetousness, and sexual impurity was rampant in the GAC ‘body churches.’ I only give three references here to show that where there is idolatry. You will also find covetousness and sexual impurity. (Do your own search and see if this thought is valid or not).

 

1 Corinthians 10: 1-14 - “Moreover, brethren, I do not want you to be unaware that all our fathers were under the cloud, all passed through the sea, all were baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea, all ate the same spiritual food, and all drank the same spiritual drink. For they drank of that spiritual Rock that followed them and that Rock was Christ. But with most of them God was not well pleased, for their bodies were scattered in the wilderness. Now these things became our examples, to the intent that we should not lust after evil things as they also lusted. And do not become idolaters, as were some of them. As it is written, "The people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play." Nor let us commit sexual immorality, as some of them did, and in one day twenty-three thousand fell; nor let us tempt Christ, as some of them also tempted, and were destroyed by serpents; nor complain, as some of them also complained, and were destroyed by the destroyer. Now all these things happened to them as examples, and they were written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the ages have come. Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry.”

 

Galatians 5: 19-21 –“Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

 

Colossians 3: 5-6 -“Therefore put to death your members, which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience,”

 

The Holy Spirit had pricked my heart and let me understand. We could not go back into tyranny. Neither, could we swear a false oath to support it. You would think we would have been more at ease about our decision not to return. That was not the case. You would also think that having the Lord speak so clearly to one in a dream one would be able to recognized, confess, repent, and move on. Again, the answer is not that simplistic. These doctrines were so ingrained into my psyche that these things disconcerted me. I was not only confused; I was in a state of bewilderment. I really did not know what to do, or where to go. I was totally lost, and in my mind without hope. Finally, we stopped attending any church. Attempting to get on with our daily lives. During this entire time we were fearfully waiting for the judgment of God to appear and strike us down. In short, we were a mess as individuals and as a family.

 

Upon moving to the Los Angeles area it was difficult to find employment. The physical maladies that overcame my physical being while under the tyranny of Des Moines continued to plague me. The back surgery I had under gone in Des Moines prevented me from finding employment as a welder in California as well. My thoughts were erratic, irrational, and incoherent. I remember waking every morning cursing at God for not having let me die during the night. I honestly did not want to live another day. Finally, with the help of my wife and son I managed to start thinking clear enough to know that I must retrain for employment.

 

I was desperate to find a means to support my family and depressed at the same time. I went to a trade school to learn how to cut hair. I then started earning a living as a haircutter/barber. I became extremely angry, resentful, hateful and mean. I hated everybody, everything and myself. I also embarked upon a path of self-destruction. I was intoxicated and/or high on drugs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If I was awake I was drinking, smoking, and/or snorting. I had squelched my fear of judgment, and was literally attempting to help God get rid of me without actually committing suicide. This self-destructive course made a bad relationship with my son even worse. It so strained my relationship with my wife that she could not take it any longer we finally separated. During this time and the six months my wife and I were separated the one thing I could never do was lower myself to be with another woman. Something restrained me and I believe it was the Holy Spirit.

 

It was near the end of this time of separation that we began to hear rumors coming from Des Moines. Some very unpleasant rumors, which brought to the surface those hurt feelings and fears I had managed to ignore with my self-destructive life-style. Now, I am the first to admit that I was not living a holy life. I was living in sin up to my eyebrows and seeking self-destruction. However, when word got back to us that Lloyd had stood up in front of the entire congregation in Des Moines and told them I was a male prostitute. That I had been conducting business out of my house with my wife still living there he had gone too far. (Obviously, he did not know Edith, or me as well as he thought he did). I sat down and wrote him a letter in my defense. In this ten-page letter I also went on to expose all the errors and sins of both him and others in the DMGAC that I was aware of. I now know I didn’t know the half of it. At this point I was ready and willing to go to battle with him even if it meant going before the civil authorities.

 

I wrote this letter on a Saturday night when Gary and Edith had asked me to come over to have dinner with them. I had no idea when writing it how much healing would come out of it. Once I finished writing I began to proof read it to correct grammar and spelling errors. (I tend to write in convoluted sentences. In other words, I write as I think. Thus, it necessitates going back and re-writing things into shorter more concise sentences). Anyway, once I began to proof read my heart began to soften. I found myself starting to cry. I didn’t realize it then, but re-reading that letter began the healing process. For the first time I had actually verbalized all the pain and hurt I felt. I finished the letter and put a stamp on it for mailing the following Monday morning.

 

That night Gary Ray asked me to stay over to attend church with them the next morning. I reluctantly agreed to go with them. I was actually getting tired of trying to slowly kill myself. Well, the Holy Spirit was at work again. Gary led the praise and worship. He definitely has a gift from God. Then he began his special but before he started he said, “Dad I love you and this is for you.” As he played and sang my spirit broke within me and once again I started to call upon the name of the Lord. No, I wasn’t completely healed and restored on that day. However, the process of restoration begun the night before, received a mighty boost that Sunday morning.

 

Within a couple of weeks Edith and I were back together. We were on our way to recovery. We started attending a local church. We didn’t want anything from anybody and we asked nothing of anyone. Some how the pastor, Mr. Owens, sensed my pain and started to reach out to me. I was reluctant and cautious to let him get to close. However, I also sensed he was genuine. That he didn’t want anything from me. That he was really concerned and wanted to help. I found myself starting to trust again. Mr. Owens encouraged me to apply for a ministerial license with their organization. He also encouraged me to take correspondence courses to obtain my bachelors degree in theology. He said this would help me in two ways. First, it would hone my thinking abilities. Second, it would help me prepare for pastoral service should the Lord so desire. I did as advised and to my amazement it did help. I would like to add that he never once judged me or condemned me for allowing myself to be deceived all those years. He simply reached out to me with the pure love of God. I began to look at and study the scriptures to find out what God had to say on a given subject. Not what Sowders, Dixon, TMJ, LLG, or other GAC preachers told me the scriptures said. I completed my courses and received my Bachelor of Theology Degree on May 15, 1992. About a year or so later we took a small pastorate for about a year. During this time we worked a full time job as well. It was our desire to serve not to be served. However, there were areas of our life and thinking that were still adversely affected by our association with GAC through out the years. Once we realized this we knew we could not continue as pastors at that time. We would not take the chance of damaging precious souls. We resigned the pastorate.

 

Now, back to my story of personal healing. On the Monday following my rededication I was in prayer asking God for personal strength and resolve to live the day without drugs or intoxicants. Asking Him for healing in my spirit, mind and body. As I was praying the Holy Spirit prompted me to get the letter and read it again. I did as prompted. As I was reading it I began to cry out asking God to forgive me for the hate, anger, malice, resentment, vengefulness, and spirit of murder I had been harboring in my heart. The pain was too deep for it all to be washed away in a moment. Let’s just say I made some progress. The Holy Spirit then instructed me not to mail the letter but to put it aside. I really did not understand this but I did it. A couple of years passed and the Holy Spirit once again prompted me to take the letter out and read it again. I did and to my surprise a lot of garbage I had expressed in that letter was not there any more.  Again, we put the letter aside. There is one final thing I will say about this towards the end of this letter, but for now, just know that this scenario would repeat itself several times in the coming years.

 

Then about five years ago Father God brought me to the place in my personal walk where I knew I must face and deal with the issues of Lloyd and GAC. I knew for me to heal and walk circumspectly before God I would eventually have to release the spirits of bitterness, hate, anger, malice and murder. There was no way of continuing to harbor these evil works of darkness and have peace with God. I also knew I could not wait for Lloyd or any GAC preacher we had been involved with to act. I knew according to scripture they needed to confess, repent and make restitution. Yet, I simply could not wait for them to do what was proper, or needed if I wanted to continue and advance in my personal walk with God. Still yet, I was having a difficult time with these issues. I wanted to move on, find peace and grow in my personal walk with God. But I could not get past this unforgiving wall. Justice was due me and I wanted it. I could not fully release it to God at this point.

 

During this period, where Father God was confronting me with my sin, a friend asked me a question. This was his question. What does the scripture mean when it tells us that the effectual fervent prayer of the righteous avails much? I gave what I thought was a reasonably sound answer. He then suggested I get a particular book. It wasn’t anything spectacular in regard to doctrine, cults or anything else. It was a simply book of prayers. He told me he thought this book would help me learn how to pray in accordance with the Will and Word of God. To pray the solution to the problem, instead of just repeating the problem in prayer. He was correct. It did help me to understand that Father God wanted us to learn how to pray effectively. It also helped me to start praying in accordance with God’s will and Word. It taught me how to come to my Father with my mouth filled with the Word of God, asking and believing Him in faith for the solution for any problem or circumstance in all areas of life. It taught me to search the scriptures to find out what God had to say about any given subject. Then to pray what God said about it. I began to let my mouth be filled with the Word of God in prayer.

 

This is not the only prayer, but it is the primary prayer that I found in this book of prayers that helped bring me to a place of forgiveness, healing, and restoration.

 

Father, in the name of Jesus, I make a fresh commitment to You to live in peace and harmony, not only with the other brothers and sisters of the body of Christ, but also with my friends, associates, neighbors and family. I let go of all bitterness, resentment, envying, strife and unkindness in any form. I give no place to the devil, in Jesus’ name. Now Father, I ask Your forgiveness. By Faith, I receive it, having assurance that I am cleansed from all unrighteousness through Jesus Christ. I Ask You to forgive and release all who have wronged and hurt me. I forgive and release them. Deal with them in Your mercy and loving-kindness. From this moment on, I purpose to walk in love, to seek peace, to live in agreement and to conduct myself toward others in a manner that is pleasing to You. I know that I have right standing with You and Your ears are attentive to my prayers. It is written in Your Word that the Holy Spirit Who is given to me has poured the love of God forth into my heart. I believe that love flows forth into the lives of everyone I know, that I may be filled with and abound in the fruits of righteousness, which bring glory and honor unto You, Lord, in Jesus’ name. So be it!

 

In 1997 after praying this and other similar prayers for almost 2 years the Holy Spirit once again prompted me to read the letter. To my surprise every once of anger, bitterness, hatred, malice, revenge, and murder was gone. All those evil works of darkness that I had harbored in my heart towards Lloyd, and GAC were completely gone. HIS presence engulfed me, and I cried like a child in gratitude and praise. Here was the purpose in writing and reading that letter through the years. My original thought was to get even with Lloyd, but God’s design was to help me heal, and to provide me an instrument to measure my healing. It took almost 12 years, but my Father had healed me. I set fire to that letter watching it go up in smoke like a burnt offering to God. I have been FREE since that day. The name of the book is “Prayers That Avail Much.” I highly recommend it if you would like to learn how to pray effectively and fervently with your mouth filled with God’s Word and solutions.

 

I would admonish each and everyone that has been offended, or hurt in some way to sit down and write your letter. Telling how you honestly feel, no matter how awful that may be. Then, get this book and use it to learn how to pray in such a manner that God can bring healing to your entire being.

 

Please do not misunderstand, I firmly believe that those who sin should be rebuked before all that others may learn. I believe it is our responsibility to expose the works of darkness and wicked rulers who masquerade as angels of light among God’s people. But I also believe this should be done with the intent and hope to bring them to repentance. If we simply want to talk about the sins and injustices, which were perpetrated upon others and us for the sake of retaliation, revenge or any other form of self-gratification and appeasement we will not enable anyone to find their place of forgiveness, healing and peace.

 

If when we post on the GAC message board, we are only seeking revenge we become part of the problem, and not part of the solution.

 

Most assuredly we should be seeking confession, repentance, justice and restitution for those injured and offended. But let us not forget we should also be seeking to bring, or restore the offenders into True fellowship with Father God Almighty. Every True Believer is part of the body of Christ. For God looks at what’s in our hearts not what sign we have over our church house doors. “And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4: 15-17

 

The Grace of God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ be with you all who have been called out of darkness into His marvelous light.

 

L. R. Wilkins

 

 

MY LIFE IN THE GOSPEL ASSEMBLY CHURCH:  By Bruised 4 Nothing

 

“A FORMER GAC ELDER TELLS THE TRUTH” - By Leonard Wilkins

 

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